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If you choose to seek the eternal truth in happiness (part I)

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 14:30:01 +0200

I have my sewing exam tomorrow. Oh and also I have accepted my subjects! I have well-past dwelled on the unusualness of the variety of subjects I had been studying in Psfd. In fact, come to think of it, life went and became strange a long time ago; ever since I left City school. From then onwards I have been expecting the most strangest and weirdest of encounters in my life. Fact is, this cycle I have found hard to break. Sometimes I also think that perhaps I will never be happy again. The carefree sort of happy because I had been through the worst in my life. Its been 2001-2007... 6 years. And still the irony of it bothers me.
See, I have never really been satisfied in a way that leaves me carefree of all other things in my life ever since then. Enna, the sad looking portraiture of a preteniously pretty girl is so bumped out by the fact of lack of existence of friends like the old ones in her life that she is willing to live a preconcieved lifestyle for herself that is as if forever binded by the tragedic loss of, I don't know, love of someone?!
It is almost surreal- the beauty of a pretty and sad girl like some Umrao jaan, that she wishes to exist in and create around her. Whereas I, never can seem to let go off the blissful past. Almost in acceptance of never really regaining the lost happiness in my life. I am happy indeed, but not completely happy. Not completely where I want to be. The journey of life has come to a state where I can not define what I want and what I seek. But I know for sure and realize that my true connection to the most complete and serene form of happiness comes only from my bonding with the people in my long past. Why?? Perhaps, because!!! It will only be too long before I have no changes in my life when I can actually adjust to happiness that leaves me feeling complete.
Now I know that the happiness I am seeking comes from living in one place and being surrounded by people with whom every change is met in togetherness, unity and without any differences. That's the basis of true happiness. You grow out of your feelings for each person in time and harmonize them with time, communication and understanding.
The developement in growth and understanding that evolves through the existence of a group in utmost unity in one kind of an environment and atmosphere with lack of differences or removal of those differences.
And quite frankly, come to think, I perhaps maybe reliving my past in my mind even when there no boundaries that I can relate to from my perspective which actually maybe what I have lived through.
I am only relating my present to a feeling that could be inside me when infact none of what I do actually accounts for my emotional need to stick to the past and not let go. I don't know, am not aware what it would be anymore to feel a complete sense of belonging anywhere...
Life is so fast. We camoflauge ourselves to move ahead when our feelings pull us back and we are left with a feeling of incompleteness. Raw, unnurtured emotions never forming into a feeling and then developing in their own strength to become a part of each one of us until we know no more bounds to closeness and only sharing in an unspoken bond of friendly existence...

I do not want to be smart.
I do not want to be clever so that I can move ahead.
I can not run after a false made-up dream that will never make me completely happy. Because in the end all victory does not matter or account for. It does not surpass the drive to be associated or related to that familiar comfort of friendliness or relationships that shall forever glorify us emotionally and in heart, where the most sacred of bonds are stored which define us in our eyes and prevail in our lives as we live through them each day and in secretly stolen moments of inwardly happiness.

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If you choose to seek the eternal truth in happiness, no doubt... (part II)

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 10:24:06 +0200

Now that I have had time to breathe in all the consequences, I am not willing and desiring to define my position admist my present and where I stand. Hence, the greater will in my consequences reaps from my desire to finally seek satisfaction in self-definition and in search of circumstances which shall continue to define my becoming until change wavers my life's consistency of happiness, no doubt. That is where it begins. And begins again from all that I know. I recieved a reminder from Allah yesterday about an honest consideration from and of all that is to become in my life and then strengthen in its own power to conquer me until I've known no greater reality than the one in my view in confrontation now with my very own self!
Also, the reason why I and some people pull back when success is near enough to grasp is because of their lack of habbit of hardwork and of the fact that they want it without effort of limitations to reap desired results.
Crux of the matter is that I can not undefine my efforts or progress of all these years. The fact that I've grown and matured from what I was at a very early age can not be compromised on.
Acceptability with honesty is a rewarding virtue to (own) moral values and characterisation of a man. It is a rarity, not to mention a quality maintained by the greatest in history.
Change is acceptable when there are no choices considerable. But if self is not to be compromised on, then reception reaps all results and arbitrary circumstances. One's life is not a compromise of self but of evolving, growing and developing into more. Our character defines us and so when we are left undefined by circumstances or indecisiveness, it keeps us raw at bay. Human spirit weakens when it does not know how to be happy or when to be sad.
If I will compromise, then is the reward even worth to die for? My choices define the strength of acceptability in my idea of quality, and my ideals reminiscented. Why shall thou break the strength in me evolved and developed, formed and bloomed, gathered and empowered, sowed and reaped, discovered and conquered, examined and finally conceptualized!
When no one can provide me what I seek but God's blessings and consentful mercies, then why must I settle for something else transcient and unworthy? This is years of effort in trial and error and in sadness such that led me to insanity and lonliness such that it nearly made me suicidial.. sigh. How shall I even begin to define the attraction in the superficiality I seem to have desired as I was crept away at my own will in disloyalty at the hand of my own spiritual weakness. My weaknesses, my loyalty, my honesty places at my hand the sacrifice of false temptations from the sight of truth.
Well, clearly if the false was the truth wouldn't everyone be convinced by it?? No.. They won't be. It does not promise one/(human) the seed of bliss and content such that it is heavenly, gratified by the desire, the needful temptation to glorify our eternal tomorrow.
Luck seems to follow the truth in words, and blessings unacountable continue to envelope the true nature of human nature unless we are not defeated enough to desire falseness in our lives and depressingly glorify ourselves in the unworthiness of our own conceptual ideals temporarily hovering about us. They are indeed an ill-founded distraction...

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Wish'vist 2006

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 19:22:57 +0200

Holding down, like a melting pot of chocolate, absorbing, overcoming all troubles, covering all boundaries and timelessly flowing over them, containing them just as I ve never been free enough to be known the way I want to see myself, a dark solid colored cocoa bean with leaves to protect me, like the blessings bestowed upon my soul n spirit thus the roots to connect me to my home on this earth, coz the more they'll be fed, the more I shall prosper and resolute to achieve because that is what apeice one of us was born to do, and hence I resolute and I wish, because I have a right to choose, between the right and the wrong, the day, the night or the dawn, the wings or the feet, the sweat or the heat, the lyrics or the beat, the fight or the lesson, the traffic or the congestion, the mountain or the hill, the fountain or the windmill, because the windmill will help me breathe and the fountain shall help my roots grow, if not today, then atleast by tomorrow, for I hadn't known so completely, the powerlessness of the tree as I also choose to submiss myself to divinity, this year shall reap more harvest than the one left behind, truth I shall state, since that is engraved on my mind, for I shall fly high, touch the sky, say good bye and live my life... coz my life is calling me and I think, where am I?

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