I have my sewing exam tomorrow. Oh and also I have accepted my subjects! I have well-past dwelled on the unusualness of the variety of subjects I had been studying in Psfd. In fact, come to think of it, life went and became strange a long time ago; ever since I left City school. From then onwards I have been expecting the most strangest and weirdest of encounters in my life. Fact is, this cycle I have found hard to break. Sometimes I also think that perhaps I will never be happy again. The carefree sort of happy because I had been through the worst in my life.Its been 2001-2007... 6 years. And still the irony of it bothers me.
See, I have never really been satisfied in a way that leaves me carefree of all other things in my life ever since then. Ana, the sad looking portraiture of a preteniously pretty girl is so bumped out by the fact of lack of existence of friends like the old ones in her life that she is willing to live a preconcieved lifestyle for herself that is as if forever binded by the tragedic loss of, I dont't know, love of someone?!
It is almost surreal- the beauty of a pretty and sad girl like some Umrao jaan, that she wishes to exist in and create around her. Whereas I, never seem to let go off the blissful past. Almost in acceptance of never really regaining the lost happiness in my life. I am happy indeed, but not completely happy. Not completely where I want to be. The journey of life has come to a state where I can not define what I want and what I seek. But I know for sure and realize that my true connection to the most complete and serene form of happiness comes only from my bonding with the people in my long past. Why?? Perhaps, because!!! It will only be too long before I have no changes in my life when I can actually adjust to happiness that leaves me feeling complete.
Now I know that the happiness I am seeking comes from living in one place and being surrounded by people with whom every change is met in togetherness, unity and without any differences. That's the basis of true happiness.
The developement in growth and understanding that evolves through the existence of a group in utmost unity in one kind of an environment and atmosphere with lack of differences or removal of those differences.
And quite franky, come to think, I perhaps maybe reliving my past in my mind even when there no boundaries that I can relate to from my perspective which actually maybe what I have lived through.
I am only relating my present to a feeling that could be inside me when infact none of what I do actually accounts for my emotional need to stick to the past and not let go. I don't know, am not aware what it would be anymore to feel a complete sense of belonging anywhere...
Life is so fact. We camoflauge ourselves to move ahead when our feelings pull us back and we are left with a feeling of incompleteness. Raw, unnurtured emotions never forming into a feeling and then developing in their own strength to become a part of each one of us until we know no more bounds to closeness and only sharing in an unspoken understand a bond of friendly existence...

I do not want to be smart.
I do not want to be clever so that I can move ahead.
I can not run after a false made-up dream that will never make me completely happy. Because in the end all victory does not matter or account for. It does not surpass the drive to be associated or related to that familiar comfort of friendliness or relationships that shall forever glorify us emotionally and in heart, where the most sacred of bonds are stored which define us in our eyes and prevail in our lives as we live through them each day and in secretly stolen moments of inwardly happiness.